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by t.k. splake |
no mo jo leaving the 20th century shoebox basement room pink floyd's relentless "wall" drowning out tv cartoon reruns faded curling linoleum tiles aidas waffle print pacings unused haldol prescription "missed you" therapy session cards wrinkled resume pile college financial forms desperately lonely soul future of yesterday's failures dreamy fetal curl lips tightly clinching thumb already long gone swift silent journey home at last forever existing black side of the sun NADA AMOUR "hello darkness my old friend, i've come to talk to you again, . . . ." october passing, killing frost, fiery foliage turned dry warped brown forest carpet, cold black bare tree silhouettes, dream woman gone, tender passions, love lying dead, chance of escaping past wounds, hurts vanished, poet returning to dark literary shadows, obeying joyce dictum, "exile, silence, cunning," felttip pen dancing over blank legal tablet lines, occasionally besting elusive damn, dame lady muse, lonely arctic winter solitude, short "long white" days, foregoing baths, underwear change, "killer rice madness" dinners, suds numbing punishing brain cell evenings, thoughts running wild, colostomy, "what if" biopsy positive, white cell count continues to drop, thinking of marcy, yvonne, other 800 phone number girls, soft feminine voices, wondering if woody allen happy movie finish possible, marrying sad backwater woman quickly on rebound, or becoming hard abusive man, drowning in black angry rage, "why, why, why me," savaged by young woman deciding old poet wrong choice, not man to replace her father, not trusting her feminine passions, brutal childhood alcoholic household, "i love you, hate you" mood swings, cold terrifying fears ending up like dad, mad man always talking big buck plans, cholesterol clogged veins, booze addled brain, suddenly dead, embarrassed by softness, vulnerable poet, believing it weakness to discuss personal fears, insecurities, painful past wounds, unhappy young woman numb, frozen heart, retreating, remote long cold night sanctuary, talking to long dead ghosts, later cemetery long walks, backwater poet like aging tanktown fighter, hauling resin soaked ass off canvas one more time, writing better love poems, something to share with brother brautigan after "ice out" breathe it, smell it spring return, not left begging darkness, "wait, wait," crying "no, not now, not now," when shadows slowly fade into long silent slumber. odyssey to the beyond black empty void, restless early morning lonely 'poet maude' musings, haunting memories destroying reason to be, mourning lost romance, warm september song passions suddenly silent, killing late may icy chill, missing beautiful young woman- child, sad vulnerable being, soft muse and essence, happy joy of her quiet ways, lonely cold dark nights, once blood thundering heart pulse vanished, days without live tense monthly wash, sluicing tide, ovum, membrane debris, not choosing easy early curtain, quick act one bad drama exit, pain gone, life quickly escaping 357 air hole, instead abandoning civilization where things constantly change, yet depressing sameness remains, fleeing cheap, vulgar chase after safe, small things, worshipping angry god, phony religious ritual, shedding clothes late spring noon and after, walking naked down, beyond distant deep forest trail, following faint prints left by aging big cat, dusty tracks, spoor leading to black wilderness boundaries, glowing fiery eyes, farther, farther, farther, slowly losing nighttime terrors, fears of never running fast enough, disappointments over fighting hard not winning, steady trekking without wisp, light breeze, yellow calm stillness, boiling tornado skies long forgotten, stormy ruin now other's worry, exorcising psyche's cobwebs, spiders, pace quickened, spurred by great cat's scream, "mate, mate, mate," feeling dark feline consciousness before coming on her, deepening shadows, tall grass small woodland clearing, desperate, trying to remember black mysterious past madness, tawny feral ghost suddenly a woman i once loved, made a fool of myself over long ago, blond flowing mane, soft like vincent's sun bleached arles wheatfields, light green eyes, pale gaze exuding warmth, passions, reunion at last, lover mate, dark wilderness far cranny, sipping bittery whiskey chilly tin cup, pink fiery embers, pine needle bedding, grizzled old cat's boudoir lair, late night aurora, pine and green shafts of light pulsing across heavens and beyond, splendid theater of someone else's doing, maybe, joyful "high opera," tender embraces, gentle moon kisses, slow shadow dancing, lost mute passions, ravel's "bolero" crescendos rising, racing, aware love means nothing, yet believing that's all there is, safe, our wilderness sanctury amid scudding moon cloud phantoms, whispers across naked flesh, purring murmurs, soft late night music lingering, floating, drifting in darkness above, finally sweet zzz- slumbering, lonesome voice, visions, new, next poem someone else's contest, a long journey over, together again. where were you courtney love when kurt's guitar whispered out the last "girl, girl don't lie to me," unloved pretend tough guy survivor of mean streets, school, home when he stayed there, "where did you sleep last night," brutal childhood hatreds, tearful why didn't you help me mom, why didn't you memories, "in the pine, in the pine, in the pines," his heart empty, numbed by pain, thinking maybe this love real, possible, i'll change, be gentle, learn to talk things out, "where the sun never shines, where the sun never shines," young hard soulless courtney easily bored, persona sum total mtv video blur, constant demands for more, more, "shiver the whole night through, yes, shiver the whole night through," uppers, downers, sweet southern comfort, witholding love, having sex with anonymous strangers, "girl, girl, girl, where will you go," nasty battles, bloodbath of cruel cutting insults, sharp tongues shouting black angry rage, "mr has been, mr smackhead doper, mr. can't write a song anymore, mr. loser husband and daddy, mr. over the hill guitar man," "going where the cold wind blows, going where the cold wind blows," where were you courtney love, courtney love when the bottom of kurt's life fell out, "in the pine, in the pines, in the pines," where were you courtney love, courtney love when gentle kind words would have saved a man, cheated death a little while longer, "where the sun never shines, where the sun never shines," genius artist old at thirty-three with only courtney's whispers, me, me, me, "shiver the whole night through, shiver the whole night through," staring down and beyond twelve-gauge tunnel, seeing, tasting magic, finally easing lifetime of black pain, disappointments, revenge for treachery, broken heart, "going where the cold wind blows, going where the cold wind blows," eternal sleep, darkness, nada-nada void like christmas morning lump of coal so long ago or only yesterday. moon's dark side midnight blackness covering cool naked flesh, muting soft wet lips whispering "cummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, thom, cummmmmmmmm, sweet darling," wounded, weary graybeard poet moan, "i need you, patty, i must possess your deep feminine soul," writhing, shuddering spasms, sobbing, "oh, please, mommy, mommy, mommy."
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| Edited By Jim Chandler & Haze McElhenny Site Design & Cover Graphics By UrbanDecay.Org |
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